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Cell Hell/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Okay, so I'm coming home from the lodge the other night and this guy's heading at me with his high beams on. So I flick my high beams a couple of times, but he keeps drilling into my eyeballs like laser surgery. I couldn't see where I was going. Luckily, nobody was hurt... Except the postal system. I figure that guy didn't dim his lights because he wasn't affected by my puny high beams. So I'm going to fight fire with a flame thrower. I'm going to add these babies to the possum van. I got them from the port asbestos arena. Now that hockey's on strike, all they got going on is line dancing and they're afraid if it's too bright it'll just look like a bunch of old, fat people playing hopscotch. You just mount those on a piece of waterproof plywood. I got this one just up the road. Now, these lights take a while to warm up so you just leave them on all the time and then swing them into place when you need them. To do that, I used a himmelman hinge on the front edge and mounted the whole unit on a hockey stick. The blade hangs down inside. All's I have to do is pull down on it when some idiot's coming at me with his high beams. The bulbs'll swing up, shoot right at him helping him see the light. Oh sure, the arena lights are shooting up at the sky all the time, but that's not dangerous. We're nowhere near the airport. [ applause] [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thanks very much. Thank you. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Harold's been pushing us all to get these fancy cellular phones so I found a deal and got enough for everybody. I don't know if I'm too excited about having a cell phone, but I figure if it gets annoying, it's small enough that I can throw it farther than my ears can hear. Uncle red! Uncle red! Did the cell phones come? Is that the cell phones? Is that the cell phones? Did the cell phones come? Is that the cell phones? Yes, harold, yes. I wanted to call you but then of course I couldn't, could I? Did you get the one I wanted? Yeah, pretty much. With the caller I.D. And the call forwarding and the call waiting and the personalized ring and the text messaging and the video capabilities, did you get that? Pretty much, yeah. Pretty much that, yeah. Did you not get the exact make and model that I specified? No, I didn't, harold. Ohhhh! Harold, 300 dollars for a phone? I can get a station wagon for that kind of money, and then I wouldn't have to call anybody, I'd just drive over. Do you want to know what I paid for these babies, harold? Nothing. Zero. Nice catch. It's a box of cereal. Yeah, all different kinds of cereal. Every one comes with a free cell phone inside. Nut flakes. You should talk. You're so naive it's embarrassing sometimes. Uncle red, of course the cell phone's free. It's the activation fee and the time rate that they're going to charge so much on. There's going to be no savings. I'm not going to activate my phone, harold. Instead of using their cellular towers to relay my calls, I'm just going to boost my phone signal by using stronger batteries. Now let's see, what kind of cereal should I get? Well, you have trouble making outgoing calls, maybe you should try the all bran. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's winner will receive a complimentary dinner for two at the nurk & fingle pub. Enjoy traditional english fare such as fish 'n' chips, made with real english fish, sausages 'n' chips, made with real english sausage; and shepherd's pie, made from real shepherds. Real english shepherds? No, german shepherds. Okay, cover your ears, ed. Okay, mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get ed frid to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. Okay, and go! Okay ed, as an animal control officer you know that large animals are most dangerous when they're in... My tent. Okay, no but in the spring, animals are dangerous because they're in... ... Sane. You know what, that's right. And what makes them that way? That's just the way they are, red. No, okay, okay. You can tell if a female is ready to mate because she's in... A singles bar. No. Okay, okay, ed, when you need to get people to do what you want, you say, "it's time to turn up the..." guilt. Okay, no, no, okay. On a cold winter's day, your furnace pumps out a lot of... Smoke. Okay, there's an expression, "get out of the kitchen, if you can't stand the..." smell of cauliflower. We're almost out of time, mr. Green. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I know, an nba team, the miami... Dolphins. No, no, no, basketball. The miami basketballs. Man, ed you're not very good at this, you know. Me, your clues suck. Why should I take the heat? There we go! It's time for harold's hobby house where we examine more than the hobby, more importantly the hobbyist. And tonight's guest is mr. Edward montrose. And edgar, I understand that you are a hobbyist. Oh no, harold, I'm presbyterian. No, I mean a hobby. You know, what you do in your spare time. And I certainly hope it has nothing to do with explosives because I know you've had some bad experiences with those. Yeah, well, sometimes I get carried away. Sometimes buildings get carried away. But not my hobby. I have a gentle, creative hobby. Oh excellent. Oh, that's perfect. That's exactly what I was hoping for. You know, an example of a hobby that shows the balance in one's life. Gosh, I wish that was interesting. I love trains, harold. Oh, trains, and what is it, specifically, that you love about trains? I love the way they flatten stuff. Yes, yes, oh yeah, like coins and stuff like coins and stuff, right? Oh, tut-tut, harold, coins are for amateurs. How about... A wristwatch? Now, this is art. I call it "'a' train on time." very rare. That's cool, edgar. I also tried other items... Like a stapler. Wow, that's -- that's a stapler. I tried one without opening it up but it was too tall and tapered, so when the big steel wheel hit it, it shot out like a bullet right through the windshield hey, I saw that on the news! Yeah? Uh, everybody's fine as far as I know. Oh yeah, yeah... But edgar, do you notice any similarities between your chosen profession and the hobby you've selected? Oh, yes I do, harold. They both take place outdoors. Even if I start my explosive work indoors... Well, it doesn't stay there very long. No, not really. No, no. But you know, I was talking more about the destructive component of each. I find it very disturbing. It's a small world, harold, and it's getting smaller. I create space. Edgar, I'm just a little concerned about the message we're sending out to our viewing audience, you know, particularly our younger viewers because you do dangerous things. Oh, all right. All you kids out there, don't be blowing stuff up, and don't be putting things on the railroad tracks. It's very dangerous... Especially if you stand too close. You ever seen these hot rod magazines with pictures in them that are supposed to make you jealous? Now, there are other kinds of men's magazines that have pictures in them but they're supposed to make your wife jealous. Neither one works, except for pictures like this. Some guy doing a massive burnout with smoke pouring off the tires really gets my attention. And if it doesn't, your testosterone may be down a quart. But you need a high-performance engine to pull off a stunt like that. The only major peeling I've ever done involves an unplanned nap on the beach. But maybe we can look like we're peeling rubber, even though we're not, 'cause when a car does a massive burnout, it's not going fast, it just creeps along with the tires squealing and the smoke fuming. Maybe there's another way to do that. I mounted a fire extinguisher with the nozzle pointing down through the floor right at the wheel. And I can turn the unit on from the driver's seat using that cable. That'll provide the smoke. I didn't even have to cut a hole in the floor, as she's rusted out in exactly the right spot. Another reason to buy domestic. And as for the sound of the squealing tires, I've got no pads left on these brakes so I just put the brakes on a little, and she'll scream like a parrot sitting on a jalapeño. And you don't have to worry about the brakelights giving the trick away... They burned out years ago. Got to love domestic. Okay, maybe doing a fake peel out isn't exactly honest, but for men my age, truth is a last resort. And the beauty of this system, it doesn't wear out your tires. [ brakes squealing ] you know, after 39 years of marriage, I've learned one thing, which puts me ahead of most guys. If you and your wife want your marriage to survive the long haul, you've got to argue. I don't mean yelling and screaming and acting like a big baby, leave that to your elected representative. I mean the simple act of actually telling your spouse what's bugging you, rather than laying on a thick layer of sarcasm. For instance, instead of your wife asking you not to leave your stuff on the floor, she'll say, "hey now, "there's an interesting place to keep your underwear." or like instead of asking for your help with the dishes, she'll say, "are you sure you can hear the ball game "over all this running water?" but guys are no better except men tend to do it with actions rather than words. A guy won't say "I'd rather be golfing than visiting your mother," he'll just carry his golf bag around on his back the whole trip. Hey, do yourself a favour, lay off the sarcasm when you're talking to your spouse. You may just find yourself saying, gee, red, that was really good advice... For once. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Don't put off getting your septics pumped. You can pay me now... Or you can pay me through the nose later. [ chuckles ] I love this cell phone. I don't have to remember anything. If I think of something, I just phone the person, tell them right then and there. And I'm not really bothering anybody 'cause I hardly ever think of anything. The only problem is reception is not very good. It's almost like when they invented these things they weren't targeting markets like possum lake. [ cell phone rings ] excuse me. Hello? Hello? Hellooo? Can you hear me? Hey, red? Is that you, winston? No, red, it's me, winston! Hang on a sec., you're breaking up a little bit. There, that's better. Red... Red, where are you? Good thanks. Are you at the lodge? No, I'm fine, it was just gas. Red, listen, I can't hear you. I can't hear you, winston. So how are those new cell phones working out? I tried to call you but I couldn't get through. Well then, they're working perfectly. Can you hear me now? How about now? What? I said, how about now? What? Now? Can you hear me now? [ mike falls down stairs ] ah, ah, ah, ah! Well, look at the bright side. That's the only phone he's ever had where he's allowed to make more than one call. [ phone vibrating ] I'm getting a call! I'm getting a call! Oh, my gosh. I thought the ice cream truck had pulled up. Hello? What? What? What? What? What? What? It's dalton, I think he said there's an emergency. What? Dalton? What? Okay, okay, yeah. Okay, I got it. What was it? Not sure. He either said he knows there's a meeting and he has to beg off, or his nose is bleeding and his leg fell off. Oh look, look, he's sending you a text message. S - h - I, don't like where this is going. R - t, "shirt." "shirt on fire." what? Shirt's on fire! Shirt's on fire! His shirt's on fire! C'mon uncle red, let's go! Let's go! We'll go out there and help him. Yeah, okay, that's good. He must be down at the store. The whole store could be burning, you know. Should we get another fire extinguisher? Yeah, yeah. No, I think we're good. Sorry! Sorry, my bad. Sorry, my bad! Red: Dalton had asked ed and mike to meet him out behind the lodge. He'd put some mats out. I don't know, some kind of exercise or some sort of a spiritual experience he had... I wasn't quite sure what he -- there, it looks more like a fitness thing and not a minute too soon. But dalton has something going on under that shirt and I -- you know, you see stuff like that and you don't know whether to comment or -- you figure he's got to be aware of it, you know. But of course, ed felt he had to point out that there was some sort of an aberration there, but dalton seemed -- and then they see what's happening. This is the instructor arriving and boy, things are looking up, aren't they? Yeah, the guys look great and dalton's happy to meet her. Oh boy, I don't know if I want to -- oh, okay. Just -- yeah, okay. Oh boy, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So apparently what this is is a yoga lesson. She's going to get them to be all flexible and relaxed. So okay guys, just do that, just do that. Just do -- oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, okay. All right, let's try something that you can do. I say, let's try lying on our back. Very good, excellent, excellent, perfect. Now, legs up, over and... And this is something the guys found very easy to watch. And then up into some kind of a stand and... Again, fascinated. So now this is a flexibility on the spine and you turn your head right around like that and... Well, they're willing to meet her halfway, but that's about it. And oh, good. Yes, very good. And the other side... And perfect. Okay, now they move on to where you work in couples as they do in yoga, which is why so many yoga people have kids. And so she sits dalton down. So ed and mike have to duplicate what they're doing, and that's... I don't -- I don't think -- you might want to -- well, dalton's suddenly enjoying the day and... They lean right back over on the person and relax totally on them and so... Mike's in for a rough go here. Now, this is an interesting position. You put your toes together and then you bring your feet up in between your arms, and it's a very elegant look, and isn't that great, eh? Now, that doesn't go so well -- oh, oh, oh. This is -- this is almost like a cirque du soleil thing, where you get up and support the weight of your partner, and she arches her back and... I don't -- look out. This is why we have socialized medicine in this country. So they're trying -- can't seem to break them up and, you know, you do what you got to do when you get... There we go. Okay, okay. That's good. What were you guys thinking? Anyway, I guess that pretty much brought the yoga lesson to a close, and I don't think you guys are going to see her anytime soon. Just relax. Well, we rushed over to dalton's store 'cause we thought his shirt was on fire, but it wasn't. No, see, we thought dalton typed us a message that said, "shirt on fire." whereas, in truth, he was advertising, "all shorts, half off." but it wasn't an emergency at all. Well, not until we got there. No, no. And in retrospect, probably not a good idea to burst in to a retail establishment with your fire extinguisher going full blast. Took that one lady customer over an hour for her leg to thaw. Yeah. But hey, she won't be catching on fire anytime soon. No, so that's good. And the really good news is... I got a new pair of shorts! Oh boy. Aren't they hot? They're hot! Not anymore. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. You might want to slip those on, may do you a world of good. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting and I learned something this week. I learned that no matter what your message is, you've got to say it simply and clearly. I have no plans for this evening, there is nothing worth watching on television, and I have a tremendous amount of energy. [ yelps and applause ] and no... I don't feel like moving furniture. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down, everybody! Everybody sit down! Sit down, c'mon sit down! You got to sit down now! C'mon, sit down! Sit down! All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. All right, men, harold apparently has something to say. Harold? You know, as men, oftentimes, you don't communicate as well as you should so I was hoping that perhaps, this side of the room, all the men would stand... Just stand. Now, think of something personal and important you'd like to say to the gentlemen on this side of the room. And please do that now. [ cell phones ringing ] hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? I can't hear you? Hello? Can you hear me? Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com